The biggest problem with a Friends-With-Benefits situation? The woman in the story is very often blissfully unaware that she is in fact just such a friend. She is often the very last to find out that she is nothing more than a “friend” offering him delicious benefits…

The biggest problem with a Friends-With-Benefits situation? The woman in the story is very often blissfully unaware that she is in fact just such a friend. She is often the very last to find out that she is nothing more than a “friend” offering him delicious benefits… Today I want to talk about a touchy subject. I talked about this a couple of weeks back, but this is so important that I feel I HAVE TO go there again.  

Let me ask you something… I want you to imagine the most perfect, ideal love situation that you can think of with a man, be it an imaginary man, or the guy in your life right now.

It goes something like this: He calls you AT LEAST once a day, just to hear your voice… He tells you that he thinks you are beautiful. He makes plans to take you on dates. He sends you flowers with cute notes. He brags to his friends about you. He plans surprise trips away for the weekend.

Idyllic, isn’t it?

Now, let’s make a drastic shift and put that same picture in terms of what would be equally idyllic for a man… 

She is ready at a moment’s notice to take care of my physical needs. She pleases me sexually when I snap my fingers. I don’t have to do all the “relationship stuff” like take her out (or anywhere for that matter) and buy her flowers (or anything else for that matter) and act like a boyfriend.

Ouch…I know.

That there is the great divide between men and women.

I am about to burst that romantic bubble you have going on in your heads, Ladies, so buckle up.

Men LOVE sex. Duh.

Accept it. Make peace with it. Work with it. And there really isn’t anything wrong with it in principle, but you have to keep it in perspective.

Sex in a loving, committed relationship? Bring it on!

Sex on standby and pretty much nothing else? No way!

Did you know that men are advised by their dating coaches to get as many women in friends-with-benefits situations as they can…? I kid you not. Google it if you don’t believe me.

Why wouldn’t men want this? They don’t have to pay for dates. They don’t have to take care of your needs. It is simply: “Hey, baby, wanna have some fun tonight?” That is the extent of his efforts.

It pretty much boils down to easy, uncomplicated sex. Zero drama.

And my dear friend, if you fall for this, he will have a very hard time of ever viewing you as anything more than easy, uncomplicated sex. There is no future relationship here. No happy ever after. And as long as you have no clue, it is the absolute, ideal situation for a man who ONLY wants sex from you.

Eew…

What does this mean for you?

That Casanova who’s telling you how beautiful you are at around 11pm on a Saturday night, may have laid the same line on a few other ladies right about the same time he texted you.

Ouch. I know.

That same Casanova who tells you how beautiful you are tells it to probably 2 or 3 other women and whomever takes the bait and whomever he is more in the mood for that night is going to get it.

Ouch. I know.

Now let me paint you a REAL picture.

I was standing in a Subway restaurant with my best friend a few days ago. She came to visit and one of the highlights of her visit was the fact that she found love again after a long-term relationship that failed, and we spent the entire weekend just gushing over how wonderful her life is right now.

And as her personal dating couch during her trials, let me just say I take A LOT of credit for how great her life is right now ;)

As we were waiting for our sandwiches, she said to me: “”You know Alex, if David is not sure if I want a certain thing on my Subway sandwich, he orders two sandwiches, one WITH and one WITHOUT…

My first reaction was Aaaaaaawh…. But then I had to grind her a bit and asked: “Is this because he loves you or because he is afraid of you?” She laughed ;)

The point I am trying to make is this: MANY of us put up with the very bottom level scraps a man has to offer. Instead of having a man like my best friend’s David. I have to ask myself why…

  • Do you think you deserve it?
  • Do you think you can’t do any better?
  • Have you accidently trained him to do the bare minimum for you?
  • How sure are you that he’s not just using you?

Not all men will be like my best friend, Danny’s David. Not even a small percentage of men would do for you what her David is doing for her.

But the point is this:

In your heart you KNOW. When a guy is not giving you his best, or even close to it, you KNOW. But we buy into and hang onto every “Hi Beautiful!” and “I miss you, Baby!” text, don’t we?

Sometimes my own heart breaks when I hear how much we, as women, would put up with. Or, perhaps, more accurately, how little.

For example, Deidre, another friend of mine, has a more complicated story. She has gotten divorced after a long marriage, and she also has a child with some severe medical problems. So she doesn’t go out a lot and is much more limited than the rest of us, but as a human being, she is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. If I have to sum her up, I’d say the man who eventually wins her heart will be the luckiest guy on earth; she’s that wonderful a human being. Pretty too, nice body, good job. She is the WHOLE package.

Yet, here is her story: She met a guy online and from the first look of it, they hit it off. They started a nice conversation by text and email and a few weeks in, he asked her out (it was a Tuesday, and the ‘asking out’ happened by text.)

The agreement was to meet at 7pm at a local restaurant the following Saturday. The rest of the week was uneventful and they kept the very flirty conversation going.

On the Saturday morning of the date, they said good morning, texted some and Deidre was getting ready in the afternoon. By all indication, the date was going to be one for the books. At 6:30 she texted him: “Are you excited?” His response was: “Very!”

So she finished her makeup and at around 6:50pm she texted him: “Ok, I’m ready, see you in 10 minutes. :)”

No response for several minutes…

Then this from him: “Did we agree on a time?” She responded that they agreed to 7pm. Then this: “Oh, Babe…I’m sorry. I thought it would be much later. Can we meet at like 10/10:30?”

The wind was out of her sails… She was ready and pretty and why could he not meet as initially planned? Completely deflated, she cancelled altogether.

For the next few days, communication was awkward between them, but it slowly got better and then eventually a week later, they had their first date. Which was even more amazing than she expected.

So amazing she slept with him…

Ouch, I know.

As a dating coach, and more particularly – as a WOMAN – I hate to point out that us girls can be really stupid sometimes… But it is true.

Perhaps stupid is not the right word. Gullible is not the right word either. What it boils down to is this: when we fall for a man, we would put up with a WHOLE LOT MORE than we really should.

Don’t we?

So if we haven’t seen him in a while, and he texts or calls, we are so very happy to hear from him that we just fall in with whatever he suggests, even last minute.

We aim to please, we aim to love, we aim to let him know how wonderful he is to us.

And in all this “aim” we lose him…

Crazy, isn’t it?

No let’s analyze my two friends. Danny, clearly, has met the right guy who goes out of his way to make her know she’s important to him. Men have this little switch in them that goes from having a so-so day to having an amazing day. And what flips that switch? It is the ability to make the woman in his life happy.

Now look at Deidre’s situation. Does it sound like the guy is trying to make her happy?

ANY guy who had her best interests at heart, when realizing he had the time wrong for whatever reason would have said: “Babe!!! Misunderstanding with the time. I am SO sorry. Give me 20 minutes to get ready, I will see you there!”

Right?

But he didn’t.

Instead, she got dressed up for nothing, was very disappointed, had to wait another week to meet him and then hopped into bed with him.

Ouch, I know.

(I think this newsletter should have been titled: Ouch, I know…)

Now let’s get back to the point. For whatever reason, Deidre, as wonderful a person as she is, somehow, for whatever reason, felt that she had to put up with this guy, his changing plans, his charms, his nonsense, frankly. She became nothing more than a friend with benefits. And not even “his friend with benefits” or “the friend with benefits.” My guess would be this guy has several women lined up for just this reason.

Ouch, I know.

The story doesn’t stop there. For the next few months, several things like that happened. And they continued to see each other for very private get-togethers, usually his or her house. He never took her out to dinner after that first date. It was only a few sweet texts late night, sex and then she didn’t exist for sometimes a couple weeks at a time.

And every time I asked her (in the nicest way I possibly could) why she puts up with it, she’d show me his picture…

I am not going to lie…the dude was super sexy. No really…SUPER sexy.

Deidre was going to put up with anything and everything he threw at her. Because, look, he is super sexy.

Girls…I want you to stop right here if something in this story rings true with you. I want you to think about these things:

Why is it so easy for us to see if one of our friends is being used as a friend with benefits, but when it happens to us, we go: look, he is super sexy. Or look – I am so in love with him. Or look – I will never get another guy like this.

It seems to me that you need to be objective, and that is damn near impossible if your heart is in the situation. And that is really all a man, who wants a warm body to snuggle up to, has to do to get you to willingly submit to this torture.

Tell you a few sweet things.
Figure out your tolerance level.
Get you addicted.

Are you addicted to a bad boy?

Are you seeing a man who you KNOW is not treating you right, but oh look, he is so sexy? Or he makes me feel so good. Or how will I ever get a guy like this again?

Let me tell you a secret, girlfriend. And I really, REALLY want you to pay attention right now… If he is so sexy, and if you are so in love with him, and if you really want this particular guy and NOBODY else, the only thing you can do to turn it around is this:

Stop sleeping with him.
Stop sexting him.
Start (without being bitchy) to stand up for yourself.
Find out what you need to do.
Ask any relationship expert how hard it is to turn a friends-with-benefits situation around. Don’t just take my word for it. It is doable, but if you don’t know what you are doing, don’t even bother.

And whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, truth is: if you and him are sleeping together, but you don’t get any of the benefits of having something real, he is just getting sex, then you ARE just a friend with benefits. You are NOT his girlfriend. And you will never be unless you do what I just told you. So let me say it again:

Stop sleeping with him.
Stop sexting him.
Start (without being bitchy) to stand up for yourself.
Find out what you need to do.

BUT, and it is a big BUT, doing this if you have been close and intimate with a guy can be hard and quite a challenge. Especially if your heart is involved. I know this, and every other woman who has ever been in your shoes (you are in very large, good company, girl) knows this.

And this is why you need help.

Don’t think about it, just click the link and see if a real relationship with this very super sexy guy you lost your heart on, is salvageable. You need to know, and more importantly, you need to know what to do then.

Right?

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